


Guided By My Polaris, I Try To Find My Way

by Velocity_Owl87



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Babies, Childbirth, Durin Family Feels, Everybody Lives, Exile, F/M, Family Secrets, Gender Roles, Protective Siblings, Requited Love, Sacrifice, Unplanned Pregnancy, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 09:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87/pseuds/Velocity_Owl87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin had always been raised to rule, to live her life for everyone other than herself. She manages her duties, to an extent. Through exile and war, she is the King Under the Mountain. But she still has emotions, even though she denies them. Emotions that force her to again make a choice and create family secrets that will cause repercussions she had never foreseen for not just herself, but for her family also.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guided By My Polaris, I Try To Find My Way

**Author's Note:**

> I know there's quite a bit of genderswitch in the fandom, but not too many of Thorin. I was intrigued by the idea of a female!Thorin who is raised to only be a ruler and who has to deny her own wants and needs to provide for her people. But what if she does give into her wants? What kind of repercussions will occur because of that choice? Also, how will she cope with being thrust into yet another role?
> 
> The idea went further to exploring the possibility of a female Thorin being a parent, and needing to balance that with being the sovereign and not the expectations of her people and her duties, as well as having to make the best of situations that she is thrust into. This isn't quite a fix-it. But more of a divergent canon that explores how much harder it might have been if Thorin had been female.
> 
> Also, Vili is the name that I have seen floating around as being widely accepted for Fili and Kili's father and I went with that for this story.
> 
> Title is an allusion to a lyric in the song "Vega".
> 
> Also, this work has been edited, but as always, there might be mistakes. My apologies in advance.

The House of Durin was a proud one and not once, in the long history of the dwarves, had it ever produced females before males to continue it.  
  
Thrain son of Thror had no doubts his first born would be a son. A strong son to rule after his grandfather and father and he were gone. He was welcoming it as his wife went into labour, he anticipated it.  
  
He hadn't ever thought that when he was told of the birth, that he would walk up to a bed where his wife lay and lay eyes on the first daughter his line had ever produced. Although the dwarfling was healthy and perfect in the way of dwarves; the child was female.  
  
He had still named the female Thorin and vowed she would be a leader in her own right.  
  
If he heard the mutterings and the whisperings that the Mahal had sent a girl-child as a sign of their displeasure with the house of Durin, he pretended to have not heard them.  
  
But when his second child was another daughter, he couldn't help to look at his daughters and wonder if those whispers were the truth after all. Whether he had offended the Mahal.  
  
When Frerin was born, he stopped listening and became secure in the knowledge that his line would endure.  
  
He still had his first born in line of ascension, but they both knew that was a formality until Frerin came of age.  
  
He told himself it was for the best and that all the training and effort he had put into both of his daughters wouldn't go to waste. They would be a good support and a good council for his son.  
  
He would tell himself this and would try to not flinch whenever he met his daughter's piercing, aquamarine eyes.  
  
And then it was all for naught, when Smaug came and Erebor was lost.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Thorin never cried or gave into any emotions. She was stoic and fierce and determined. The King Under the Mountain, now that her father and grandfather were gone. As it had been decreed at her birth. It was not without much bitterness that she took up the mantle of her house and all of the burdens that came with it.  
  
She was the one that led their people to wander for a suitable place to settle, Ered Luin finally being that place.  
  
She had been the one to go to work in the villages of men to makes sure that her younger sister and brother had enough to eat. She was the one that helped them settle and build a life after that pyrrhic battle, where too many of their kind had died.  
  
All of this, she bore in stoic indifference, knowing that she had to be Durin's heir and the promise of one day returning to their home in Erebor.  
  
She had asked herself, when she had lain awake at night, why hadn't she just stepped aside for her younger brother to take up the role of the heir. Frerin was male and from the line of Durin. He had shown he was capable in war and had shown some wisdom when dealing with some of the moves and settling the rest of their people up.  
  
But even when she had hinted it, they wouldn't let her. She had been there from the beginning, taking up the reins when Erebor had fallen and she had done a good enough job that they trusted her and wanted her to continue as their king.  
  
She had been both pleased and dismayed that they had made their choice. She was their king, for better or for worse. Her life was not her own, nor were her decisions. She was to be her father and grandfather and so much more.  
  
So she had to force herself to be strong. Stronger than her forefathers had been and then some.  
  
It was with detached amusement that she later noted how a simple and feminine emotion was the thing to finally make her break from that expectation and finally claim at least one part of her life for her own.  
  
Vili had been there since the beginning, but she hadn't noticed him until they had gained some sense of stability. They had finally done so in Ered Luin and had settled in some acceptance of their exile. It wasn't done with a few snags, but he had been there for her as she had dealt with the situation.  
  
It wasn't until later, possibly on the verge of the hunting trip that she had finally realized it.  
  
She loved him, she could admit it to herself when she couldn't to the world. Loved the way Vili stood near and supported her silently and the looks he would give her with those dark eyes of his. She loved the way that his braids looked like molten gold in the twilight of the forges. He was quiet and patient and an anchor in the storm when all she wanted to do was lie down and forget all of her duties.

Vili had been the only one other than her siblings to know her heart and it was inevitable that things would come to their logical conclusion. She just hadn't expected were it would happen.  
  
A hunting trip to supplement their meager stores and to teach the younger dwarves basic skills saw them coming across a troop or orcs and goblins.  
  
They had been lucky and despite a few wounds here and there, had managed to fight them off and even take a good number of them down. It had been sheer luck and good training it had happened. She wasn't that arrogant or a fool to not recognize that.  
  
They had taken all precautions and all the warriors that had come had kept watch over the dwarflings with their swords at hand.  
  
The relief of no loss of life and the adrenaline from battle was long in leaving her. Her hands were shaking and she was aching to have an outlet for it. That was when he came to her, pulling her into the undergrowth and pinning her down.  
  
Vili's mouth clashed with hers and his hands scrabbled against the clasps of her overcoat and under her tunic. She did the same, once she had recovered from the surprise.  
  
It wasn't tender, nor languorous or slow.  
  
Neither of them had it in them to be that. They also had no time to spare. Dawn was coming and there was a high likelihood that they would be interrupted. Either by their company or by intruders. His hands were rough on her breasts and when they slipped inside of her.  
  
It didn't matter. Nor did it matter how hard he kissed nor how deep he thrust. They both needed it and would take it. Thorin knew that the opportunities would be far and few in between for them to be together.  
  
When it was done, he had kissed her temple and gone on ahead, making it appear he had gone on patrol to buy her time. Already, the sky was lighter with the advent of dawn and she could hear her brother's voice clearly.  
  
She put her clothes in order and went to meet the rest of the group. It was time to go back.  
  
He only looked at her once as they went. A that meant everything and nothing at the same time.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The next time Vili came to her, it was in the cover of night. Dis and Frerin were asleep and he knew of this and he was careful. Extremely careful with everything, not just in his movements; but in also how he touched her.  
  
She would have snapped at him, but she knew that they had to be quiet and do everything in secret. He knew, maybe better than she did that he couldn't possess her completely. She was not his to have and was content to take what she could offer him.  
  
That was the reason why she accepted his slow love-making and the warmth of his body in her bed. Why she let him braid her hair and thread several beads in braids only they could both see. Why she let him mark her in places only she could see when she bathed and blushed in remembrance of nights full of passion and ecstasy.  
  
When she rode him and they fought for dominance, with him fucking her from the bottom until one of them finally gave in, usually her. At least in the privacy of her chamber and the cover of night, she could pretend to just be herself and not the King under the Mountain.  
  
If she ever wondered if it would last, what they had between them, she never let the thought linger. It gave her comfort, this private intimacy that they shared and she wasn't going to spoil it by speculation.  
  
She was still surprised when Vili ended it.  
  
She understood why he had to do it after his father had made a formal petition on Vili's behalf to marry Dis.  
  
When she stood next to her sister as the wedding rites took place, she cursed her gender for the first time. If she had been male, she wouldn't have had to worry about losing her power through her consort.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
She threw herself into work and opted to make the journey to trade their goods in Bree. It would take the better part of the year and that was part of the reason why she decided to go. That and she knew she would get better prices and better supplies for the winter that looked to be a harsh one. Despite her private grief, she had always taken care of her family and Vili was that now.  
  
Thorin had a plan that she would stay in Bree and find work there, sending her earnings home and letting Frerin take up her position at last. She would still be contributing, but she wouldn't have to be witness to a life that was forever closed to her. It was, in her mind, the perfect solution.  
  
It would have been too, if she hadn't gotten violently ill a week before they were to set out. Just like she had gotten ill a week prior and a week prior to that. It wouldn't have stopped her usually. It shouldn't have stopped her, since she had already pushed through the illness and kept on working.  
  
But Dis found her retching and flushed and insisted Thorin stay to be nursed. Thorin tried to protest and tried to plead her case, but Dis wouldn't have it. Especially not when she had always maintained her older sister overworked herself for the good of everyone except herself.  
  
Thorin would have resisted more, but Dis was a force of nature unto herself and with Vili also adding his concern, she was forced to give in with bad grace. At least Vili left them alone and it was a good thing that he did. She was sure that he would have given them away,  
  
Especially after Dis examined her and confirmed the nagging fear that had been at the back of her mind when she noticed the ache in her breasts and hips that had preceded their growth.  
  
She was with child and she had no idea what she was to do next.  
~*~*~*~*~  
   
Thorin wanted to keep her pregnancy a secret and wanted to still travel to Bree, but that was where Dis put her foot down and refused to even contemplate the situation. She wanted for Thorin to remain and announce the birth as soon as possible to quell the ever-present grumblings about not having a successor.  
  
Although she was fierce and respected fighter and had worked herself to the utmost limit to provide for her people, they still wanted the security of at least another member of their house. This was due to the ever-present spectre of war looming over them. A male someone, was always implied, but never actually spoken.  
  
The pressure had lessened, now that Dis was married. But fertility among dwarves being what it was...The necessity for Dis to produce another dwarfling was still very much there.  
  
Thorin had backed down due to being frightfully ill the whole time and weaker than she had ever been. Even as a dwarfling, she had rarely been sick or badly injured. But this had brought her down so badly that even she could see that working or even traveling was out of the question.  
  
The constant illness and the shock over becoming a mother were enough to drive her into long, sullen silences were she barely acknowledged anyone. She was floundering and at a loss. She had never been prepared for this eventuality.  
  
She was a ruler and a warrior. She was never meant to be a mother.  
  
Dis seemed to understand, but there was only so much she could do. She and Frerin had to shoulder the duties that Thorin's "illness" had created. Vili also helped, but Thorin couldn't bear to have him so near and looking at her with that knowing look in his eyes.  
  
They only ever spoke about it once, when Dis was out and only then, she gave Vili enough information for him  to come to his own conclusions. Vili never brought it up ever again, but the looks he gave her increased in intensity and somehow, that made it more bearable. It still was hell and Thorin couldn't wait to see the end of the almost year long confinement that was taking all of her focus and energy.  
  
They had known it would have been small odds that they would have kept the situation quiet until the dwarfling came to be born. But they had done it for seven months when the knowledge crept out. It wasn't too hard to notice when the usually forceful and intimidating Thorin had all but become a recluse.  
  
She didn't give a name and no one had the courage to ask once it was obvious what her condition was. They feared and respected her enough for that at least. But it didn't stop idle gossip or speculation about the putative father behind the family's back.  
  
If Dis ever suspected, she never breathed a word of it and Thorin vowed she would lie if she had to. Vili and Dis were not in love, but Thorin was loath to hurt her by revealing he was the father of her child. She loved her family more than herself and wasn't about to destroy the closeness she and Dis had. Even if she had to pretend she had lain with another race, she would do so if it meant keeping her sister ignorant of the child's father.  
  
She was aware of it and ignored it. She had the dwarfling to worry about, ever since it had started to move and become a reality, rather than a possibility.  
  
It made her body feel strange and like an unknown territory as well. She had known it would happen, but it was surprising to her to have grown so round and ungainly, to have her hips widen and her breasts grow. To be filled with emotions that she had long distanced herself from, but could no longer hide.  
  
She didn't talk to it, like she had seen mothers do. Dis took care of that. She was mostly uncomfortable and embarrassed and at odds with everything. She knew she was supposed to get a maternal instinct for the dwarfling in her body, but all she could muster was the protectiveness she would extend to her family.  
  
Other dwarf women assured her that it took time and to get ready for the birth. Something that had her lying awake contemplating when the dwarfling was too restless to let her sleep. The births of their kind were bloody, hard and with a high chance of mortality for either the mother or the child.  
  
This prompted her to name her heirs just in case she or the child didn't survive. Although Dis fought it all the way, she couldn't deny that it was a prudent measure.  
  
A measure that was done not a moment too soon.  
  
That night, a tangy, thick scent woke Thorin up from a nightmarish slumber. Her hands clenched when the scent of warm copper and rank musk assaulted her nose. It took only a few moments for her to lift the covers and let out a shout of surprise at the fluids and blood soaking her entire lower body and bed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was as hellish and as brutal as any battle she had been a part of and she didn't remember much from it. Just pain and flashes of brief lucidity when her sister would force water or tea down her throat and help her walk around the house whenever she couldn't manage lying down or squatting any longer.  
  
It went on like this, in a mind-numbing circle until she felt her body ripping apart, a fresh wave of blood and birthing fluid soak her legs and the bedding right before the loudest squalling she had ever heard filled the room.  
  
"He's got a good set of lungs, this one does." Dis commented as she whisked him away to be cleaned while the midwife cut the cord and helped with the afterbirth, while Thorin was stubbornly trying to keep her eyes open to see the child that she had carried and only had gotten a glimpse of. She lay on a hastily made pallet and tiredly watched as the two of them bustled around the room to get the child and the bed cleaned.  
  
She didn't care about that. She only wanted her son in her arms and the pain of separation was nearly unbearable in her state. Her words had left her and she was too weak to make her desires known. It was bone deep ache that was within in her the moment that she had heard him take his first cry. It was so primal and so consuming that her only focus was on him. Everything else had faded into the background and he was the most important thing now.  
  
"Meet your son." Dis whispered, carefully lying the small, red-faced bundle in Thorin's arms.  
  
The ache stopped once the dwarfling was in her arms and when he opened eyes that were a dark, cloudy blue and simply stared at her, as if he recognized that she was his mother. He held her gaze for moments, as if memorizing her face when he finally yawned and smacked his lips. His mouth opened and closed and his fingers balled up into little fists. He made a small noise and she felt her shift grow damp and the scent of milk hit her nose in response to his hunger.  
  
Clumsily, she pulled the neckline of her shift down and got him to latch on and nurse. He drank down the milk, but didn't close his eyes like she had expected. He couldn't seem to stop staring at his mother as she fed him his first meal.  
  
She couldn't blame him. She felt the same way was she looked into his red face and touched his small hands, imagining what he would grow into when he would come of age. Whether he would resemble her and her family or if he'd have some of his father. Whether she'd see him grow in the halls of his forefathers, or if she would make an honest metalworker out of him. The possibilities and the love that she felt for him where overwhelming and almost suffocating in their intensity.  
  
The tears fell on the linen before she could stop them and she angrily wiped them away. She looked up and was glad to see that neither Dis nor the midwife held any judgement or contempt. They only had eyes for the dwarfling suckling at her breast.  
  
"Did you think of a name for him?"  
  
Thorin nodded, her throat thick with emotion when she spoke.  
  
"Fili."  
  
END


End file.
